I had approximately two thoughts this week.
That’s all there was room for.
Blood no longer flows to my brain apparently.
Being pregnant is awkward.
There’s just no other way to describe it. I’m not vomiting, nauseous, sick, or in pain, but I find the rapid pace of bodily changes awkward, to say the least.
Suddenly body parts are in my way during the most menial of tasks. I sound like an old person just trying to get my socks on in the morning.
Oomph! Let me just hoist this leg up over the other leg. Oops, didn’t account for the immobile hips and box of rocks in my belly. Let me just try that again once or twice.
And it’s not even like I’m far along (17 weeks) or all that large, but things are growing and expanding at light speeds and things just get in my way.
Also, I’m pretty sure I can physically feel my uterus and every ligament in my body stretching and expanding.
I mean I can detect each and every millimeter of movement.
Trying to put on any type of fitted pant only confirms my suspicions.
And I had no idea how hard exercise was going to be. If it’s not my congested sinuses, the decreased lung capacity, the chronic fatigue, or the general desire to sleep for 16 hours a day, it’s the fact that everything is just so much harder now.
Again, the belly isn’t big, I just feel like one big blob of awkwardness.
I learned that during pregnancy, the body releases a hormone called relaxin.
Well, if that doesn’t sound like a tropical vacation of bodily functions, I don’t know what does.
I was under the impression this “relaxin” would be like living in a tropical rainforest where I swing gently from palm trees and rest in a blanket of warm banana leaves while I sip the water from a fresh coconut.
Do you know what relaxin actually does?
Relaxes every muscle fiber in your body so you can widen and spread up, out, and around.
So, in other words, a blob.
I also thought it was going to make me some sort of elite yogi, but it turns out I spend all of my time in two yoga poses trying to battle some seemingly early onset back pain.
Essentially a roll around on the floor in this pose:
I find it ironic that it’s known as the “happy baby” pose.
The peanut is probably laughing at me from the inside out.
After I’m done rolling around, I spend the rest of my time in this pose:
It’s called child’s pose and I’m thinking of adding an Alanis Morrisette soundtrack just to make it an ironic trifecta.
Baby gear is extremely overwhelming.
The sheer amount of products, options, choices, variations, reviews, and just “stuff” is mind-boggling.
Not to mention it all comes with parts and language that are completely foreign.
I’ve been trying to solve the mystery of cloth diapers since week six.
I had to give up on strollers and car seats because smoke started coming out of my ears trying to sort it all out.
And don’t get me started on baby carriers.
Wraps, slings, moby’s, ergos, front carriers, back carriers, side carriers…..
You know what kind of carrier I’m thinking of using?
I’m just gonna use my arms.
They’re free and will need a good workout after all that relaxin I’ve been doing.
Seriously though, P-Daddy and I want to go minimalist.
Trying to prepare and purchase everything a baby might need is like trying to decorate a house without ever actually having seen said house.
I would honestly prefer to purchase the absolute necessities before the babe’s arrival and then figure out the other things that we’ll need after the babe is born.
Is it wrong to register for all gift cards?
It seems so much more logical than playing the guessing game of things we think we might need.
We have a teeny, tiny little house and I just can’t imagine that such a teeny, tiny little person will require much more than food, a crib, warm snuggly things, and cuddles for the first few weeks.
Am I wrong?
What’s on your must-have list?
Please make sure all of your responses are in English and “Parenting for the completely naive” type language.
Keep calm and carry on!
(No matter which type of carrier you decide to use)